A talented friend of mine shared a poem of hers with me that read:
“People will tell you to love yourself… but they won’t tell you how.”
That stanza stood out among the rest, and I’ve thought about it for quite some time now. Buzz phrases like “self-love, self-care, body positivity, treat yourself” are sprinkled on top of perfectly edited Instagram posts and advertisements daily. I don’t believe these words are inherently bad, in fact I use some of them myself. However, the manipulation behind taking a concept such as “self-love” and using it to persuade an audience to spend outside their means and engage in unhealthy avoidance behaviors without providing them with a sound foundation for how to truly form a positive relationship with themselves and their emotions doesn’t sit right with me.
What is self-care?
Do I think taking care of myself sometimes looks like embarking on a picturesque hike in nature or a glass of fancy red wine? Yes. While other times it is allowing myself the space to sit in my own negative emotions so that they flow through me instead of becoming trapped inside me, skewing the lens through which I view the world. I would argue that self-care is more about the mental work you do, than the treats you buy for yourself when you are feeling down. Self-care is the foundation for building self-love and respect.
Self-love is looking at a picture of yourself and instead of pointing out flaws, you remind yourself how much you love your hair curly and how amazing you feel in your favorite outfit, even in a room where you may not look like anyone else. It’s about training your brain to be as gentle with yourself as it is with other people and embrace your uniqueness. It’s recognizing not every day will feel productive and that your journey does not need to live up to anyone’s expectations but your own. Often this does not feel natural as we have been conditioned to think anything short of the media’s portrayal of perfection is not worthy of appreciation and anything less means we’ve already fallen behind. Breaking this pattern of thinking is not easy but can be done with persistent small changes that shift your whole mindset.
To really love yourself, you must be patient and honest, which is impossible to do if you are not taking care of yourself first. When we aren’t prioritizing our wellness, we enter a state of irritability and insecurity that leads us away from our true potential for happiness. This is the part of self-love I keep talking about where it can be more work than play at first.
So, tell me how!
I can only speak on my own personal experiences, but for me this is an ongoing process as opposed to a checklist for success. This past year, like so many other people, I battled with loneliness, fear of failure, anxiety, and a nagging sense that I was falling behind in life. I could feel my thoughts spiraling and noticed my healthy habits slipping away from me. I became overly critical of myself in every aspect, and it took me sometime to realize it was out of frustration towards myself for not taking the time I needed for self-care.
Take A Pause
The very first thing I did was pause. While this may seem counterintuitive since our world romanticizes a constant-grind lifestyle as the only way to success, it was imperative for me to take time to connect with where these fears and emotions were stemming from so that I could address them.
Explore Your Passions
This one sounds simple, but I was surprised how much my beliefs limited me from pursuing things I was actually interested in by constantly telling myself “I don’t have time for this” or “I am not good at that.” Writing has always been a passion of mine since I was young. In fact, I wanted to be an author or a poet but as I grew older I stopped writing for fun. Taking time to reflect on things I used to love doing opened my eyes to needs I had not been fulfilling. I started writing poetry again and even had this crazy idea to start a blog. Having a hobby you take pride in that allows you to unwind and express yourself is my personal favorite form of self-care. And don’t forget this hobby can be totally unique to you – I also took up hula hooping several years ago. It does not have to be “Instagram worthy” for it to bring you joy. Pursuing something you love may even blossom into exciting new opportunities for career growth that bring you unprecedented happiness and success!
Honest Soul Searching
Along with pondering your passions, it’s equally as important to sit in those uncomfy places of raw honesty with yourself. Identifying traits or habits you have that are hindering your growth is the only way you can create real change. For me, I realized I can take things personally sometimes even when the situation is not a reflection on who I am at all. I also have had my moments where I shut down and overthink, creating non-existent problems with my vivid imagination. I want to fix every problem and do it quickly, so when I can’t this sometimes creates anxiety.
On the other hand, I also took time to highlight things I really like about me. I’m empathetic and love connecting with other people. I value helping others and spreading kindness. Knowing these things about myself and accepting that it’s totally normal to not be perfect all the time has helped me be more cognizant about my patterns of thinking. I can recognize when my thoughts are running away from me and put a stop to it because I know my strengths and weaknesses better.
Set Boundaries
Speaking of weaknesses, perhaps the most uncomfortable action for me is figuring out what I need and setting firm boundaries to protect my energy. Whether it be work, friends, or family, it is important to prioritize your needs over people-pleasing. This might look like saying you’re unavailable to pick up an extra shift, leaving a party because you’re exhausted, or distancing yourself from people who drain your inner peace. This can be extremely hard. As someone who often denies myself for the sake of others and my relationships, this is a work in progress. What I can say is your mental health matters and directly impacts your ability to love others, but also yourself. It’s not uncommon for you to receive pushback when you set boundaries, especially after years of not doing so. People will adjust, and if they don’t it might be time to reconsider their position in your life. You cannot control other people’s actions or feelings, only your own. It is never selfish to act in a way that protects your peace or creates the space you need to heal and grow.
Acceptance and Gratitude
Accepting that there are a multitude of things in life beyond my control was the first step for me. Coming to the realization that change is inevitable, and all things are temporary was terrifying, but freeing. When I stopped being so possessive over my circumstances, good or bad, I wasn’t as afraid of losing out on life or people because I knew things would shift again soon with more opportunity and new connections. This was very challenging for me personally because I hate the thought of being left behind in any capacity. However, with time I learned friendships evolve, new opportunities arise unexpectedly, and life shifts so it does no good to worry about details out of my hands. All I can do is my best and continue to spread as much love as possible, the rest will work itself out as it should. In addition, I started actively shifting my mindset to expect positive outcomes by practicing gratitude. This is another tricky one because depending on your life experiences it may be an innate reaction to focus on the negative. The good news is you can start small and build on it with practice. Sometimes self-care is toying with new ideologies and finding what resonates with you.
Learn Who You Are
Bottom line is, it will be substantially more difficult to love yourself if your needs are not being met by yourself first. Your version of self-care will likely look much different than mine – and that is totally okay! Part of self-care and self-love is learning what makes you unique, embracing it with open arms, and catering to that individuality so that you can grow and share your talents with others.
What do you do for self-care?
